Written by: Vickie Sullivan | June 05, 2018
How to Position Tough Love
I just saw this exchange in a business meeting. The topic: the best response when someone’s stuck in their story. Here’s how it played out:
The leader: These folks need to stop playing the victim card. Forgive and move on. They are just stuck. Yes, some of this stuff is justified …
The group: Nods of agreement.
Me: Cringing over my coffee cup.
I have these “reality check” conversations all the time. Regardless of our best intentions, this message is ineffective without the proper setup. You can’t verbally punch someone, then expect them to hear whatever empathy you give later. The first thing you say sets the tone for the interpretation.
Listen: The first two words you say before any “tough love” recommendation
The best approach: Pay attention to what you plan to say before you launch into the reality check. By brushing past the pain of the situation, we unintentionally veer into “time to move on” territory. If that’s the first thing the recipient hears — just get over it — they will ignore you.
Yes, reality checks are needed. Before you give one though, check your motive. Are you dispensing this hard advice to make yourself feel good or to actually help someone? The former is just a rant — that’s a “happy hour” conversation. If it’s the latter, frame it up first. This will give the recipient the path to heed your recommendation.
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