Written by: Vickie Sullivan  |  September 22, 2026

How to Defuse Tantrums on Social Media

Playing referee to verbal barroom brawls on social media taught me a valuable lesson about intent and connection.

After years of publicly addressing the tone and deleting the comments, one day I tried something different. I slid into the offender’s DMs and took the conversation private.

After many of these chats, I’ve learned something new: no one intended to be a jerk. The keyboard warriors were (strongly) defending their values. That primal desire to preserve steadfast beliefs is why so many folks bring a bazooka to a debate. It’s personal.

This is also why the worst mistake you can make is to respond with logic. Countering with a PowerPoint presentation sends one message:  you are wrong and here’s why. The normal response to this “data” is to double down with language that comes off like a personal attack.

So instead of addressing the details of the post, I asked this question: “are you okay? This doesn’t sound like you so I’m just checking in.” This opened the door to a real conversation about their intention, and where the heat is coming from. Once folks feel heard and understood, they were fine with my request. (Some even offered to delete their comments.) The best thing: our relationship stayed intact.

It’s tempting to fight fire with fire. I’d rather connect with my fellow humans and solve the problem.

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Now read this:

How to Be the Voice of Reason in Hotly Debated Issues

Strategic Sounding Boards Give Real-World Advice for When the Rubber Meets the Road

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